Post Reply 
 
Thread Rating:
  • 0 Votes - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
Year End Wish
Mon Dec 26, 2005, 03:09 PM (This post was last modified: Mon Dec 26, 2005 03:14 PM by Pyurio.)
Post: #1
Year End Wish
I often found my self writing \"slice of life\" stories with no climax.

---

As they made a turn into the open area of the shopping centre the gust of the east wind went against them. The Vagra kept himself clasped around his cloak while his friend beside enjoyed the wind who brushed against his fur. The open area was being built bigger than the labyrinth of the indoor region with gigantic Corrugated Plastic as their transparent roof. On their right and left, stood shops of all kinds. There, on the panel staked every several tens of meters, were being played all sorts of advertisements.

“The weather feels warm today.” The Vylvr started the conversation.
“Warm?” A retort answered him.” You call this warm?”.
”Well we do call this warm. Beyond zero is what we call cold.”
”That is freezer.”
“Well, yes, it should be snowing heavily in Norslasia by this time, so many winter games we could play there.” the Vylvr said longingly as he remember his homeland.
“No thanks, its cold.”
“And then there is Jul, the celebration of sun return.”
The Vagra stopped his friend as they stood in front of a particular shop. “Ah! Here we are.” It was a grocery store, a big one at that. “Yul? I think I have heard of it, It was the festival of the north people, was it?” Asked the Vagra.
“Yeah. Jul was a couple separate day in our calendar, right after the Thirtieth of Sátgotsylir, the Twelfth month. And before The First Lytmátr of the next year.”

“That would be ...” he paused to count the difference in calendar, and failed. “What would it be in Panayian Reckoning?”
“Twenty Fifth of Vriscika in Panaysian Calendar.” Said the Vylvr as he took a trolley and bring it towards his friend. “Here!”
“That is a week from now then.”
“Yeah.”
”U .. huh, what did exactly you do in Yul? I heard you burn things up.” The Vagra took his rucksack and put it on the deposit locker.
“Well ... that much is true.” the Vylvr smiled wryly and proceed to place his rucksack too at the deposit locker. “It is log that we burn, Every family in a village and town will have several log decorated a week before hand. On the thirtieth night of Sátgotsylir will gather with their family. And exchange presents.”
”That is cute.” The Vagra commented. He took a sharp turn at the third alley. “And then on the next day we gathered to gether on the field, central park or in front of townhall.”
“Out ... There ... amidst the snow?” The Vagra seems to be horrified at the idea.
“Yeah, there we don a horned helmet resembling that of our fertility god.”
”Including they who already had horn?”
”Well, horned race like Girutas, for example, is exception. Anyway, then, on the midnight the bonfire shall be started, and each shall throw their log in to the fire.”
”The decorated Log?” The Vagra asked, they are currently strolling on the food section of the Store.
“Back then it is used as offering to Girnargot the fertility god. But nowadays the log is symbolized as the past one year we went through. As we throw the log in to the fire we wished one big wish for the next year.”
”And then?” The Vagra asked behind the vegetable, putting several into his bag.
”And then we shall prepare a party.” The Vylvr grinned, “In small town people shall quickly prepare for the New Year party, each family shall bring their most prided cooking to be enjoyed by other. In big cities it shall be more festive and that means a festival forty eight hours straight to the new year.”
”And that was all done, outside in the winter?”

The Vylvr smiled and nooded.

---

Their rest of the day spends restocking their monthly needs. After checking all is already prepared, they quickly found themselves on the way back to their residence.
“So ... Why not you come back to Norslasia?” Asked the Vagra, they both now found them selves on the Express of the Residence G of Aksara.”
”Well ... I figured I better use the money I could use for traveling back home for something more ... useful.”
”Ah ... heh ... I undersand that, I am planning to stay on Jaya too for the Yaam Fadhiyaar.”
”Yaam ... Fadhiyaar?”
”Ramashic Holy Day. Like the most of Marja people, I am a Murmish. Well, It is actually Panaysian Murmish tradition to celebrate Fadhiyaar in their own Island. And I my self come from not from Jaya Islands.”
“Wherefrom come you then?”
“Karapsayan, you know, that big islands to the west of Jaya Islands.”
Their conversation ended with a Ding from the elevator, they both noticed that the passenger was already sparse on the sixty sixth floor.

---

The next day was even colder than usual, and he should like this, if not because of the fact that it rained severely on the outside. From the shower room, the Vagra sang some off-key melody. The Vylvr slumped on the bed changing the channel of the screen in front of him looking for any interesting program. Nothing caught his interest, unfortunately. Right after he had the screen turned off, the cell phone on his side rang.

It was quite unexpected of the caller. The Vylvr pushed the green button to find an old man in his screen.

[Father!]
[Haj Lars!]
[To what did I owe such unexpected call?]
[Ny ... it has been a time since I see my own son. So! how goes?]
[I am fine, Father, thanks for the call.]
[So hows there? Now that you have been one full semester there? ]
[Nice, Overall, This place is rather ... Exotic, I may say. It is rather hot on the temperature, but it dropped considerably around the end of year.]
Lars could see the man chukled from the other side of the receiver. [Anyway son. We received the note of you from your university today.]
[Ah ... they sent it to you?] Lars blushed, for his score was not that great, or so he thinks.
[Apparently yes, and may I tell you that this is super, son, Ninety three comma six point!]
[Eh, It was not that good, Father, I will try harder next time for full hundred.]
[Do try.]
[How is there, then, Father?]
[Fine, Lassa and Akka is decorating the Log.] the father move his receiver to shoot the scene of two small girl preparing the big log. [Your Mother is practicing on her all time special Ávátjakaka for the Jul next week.] He added positioning the camera to himself again.
[Sounds tasty.]
[You bet, We should send you the recipe one of these days.]
[Can I talk to Mother?]
[Oh ... She was busy in the kitchen]
[Oh well ...] Both fell into awkward silence as they have nothing else to discussed. Just then an orange striped figure appeared, he was only being covered with a black towel, his fur fluffed out and still soggy in some place.
“A ... Ar... Arsya?” The Vylvr flushed at the sight in front of him.
“Who is that? Lars?” Asked both of the Vagra and his Father in unison?
[No ... just my roommate.]
[Oh the Rákakungr guy whom you send his photo to us a week ago. Can I talk to him?]
[Well ... Ja ... eh Ny ... eh ... okaj.] Lars agreed and handed the cell to the Vagra.
“Guttagur Karltan Yamal!” The Vagra greeted with his limited knowledge of the language of the north.
“Haj, Arsja!” The father replied, Arsya swear the father was giggling upon hearing his pronounciation.”So you are Lars Room mate, No?” Arsya was rather surprised to hear the old Vylvr spoke his language fluently.
“Well ... yeah.”
”I see ... has my son been a bad boy?”
“Well ... Mr Yamal.”
”Just call me Jamal, it should suffice.”
”Well ... no, Yamal, Lars has been pretty good boy.” Lars blushed even deeper at the notion from his room mate. They all could hear a call from the other end of receiver, it was not Jamal is voice.
“Ah my wife is calling, I think I got to go now.”
”You may want to talk to your son first, Yamal.” The Vagra suggested, and handed the Cell back to its owner.

[Well, I need to help Matr with her cake she seems to have trouble there]
“Heheh, Till sánja dan Fatr.”
[Oh and Lars.]
[Yes Fatr?]
”Vi oska tir gut Jul of nivyr jára!”
“Gut Jul og nivyr jára fyr Jur annag!” The Vylvr replied and with that he folded his cell back right after his cell transmitted.

“So... That is your father?”
”Yeah ... we did not usually talk in video naked though.” Lars replied, still flushed.
“Ah ... yeah, just letting my self on some fresh air after hot shower.” Suddenly the Vagra shivered, “It is a bit cold in here.” he continue shaking “I better put my clothes on.”

---

Lars was not an early bird, so he found his roommate already properly dressed and just finished his breakfast on the kitchen table.
“Gut Mirkja, Lars!”
“Salta Pravta.” Replied Lars lazily.

“Here, I made you a breakfast.” The Vagra handed Lars plate of Fried Rice, as the Vylvr sat down on his chair.
“Thanks.”
“Hey hey here Lars.”
“Any interesting news?”
”Well ... nothing much except for the advertisement of the international solstice festival. It is in Panaysia for this semester. Here, they have the advertisement filling up one page of the newspaper. All eight countries joined including Norslasia”
“Cool!” Lars exclaimed with his mouth still full.
“I fancy going there. I have not went there before, It is on Vimancana square no less. You will join with us, no?”
“But of course. Let me call our comrades.”

Lars need not to pick and dial his cell though, as it already ring before he had the cell on his hand.

---

The six stands on the train, the seat were all but empty, as many have the same destination as them. Beside Lars and Arsya, There were Yon, the Maris Linguistic Docent and Varyo the Al-Shad who life with him, he is the owner of a Café in a cozy corner of Recidence G, and Gilar along with Thal, their senior in Aksara.
“Lucky us, International Solstice Festival be held in Kartajaya this time.” the Maris started the conversation. “Previously it was held in ...”
“In Anteuma.” Added a sour voice behind him.
“Ah yes, your hometown, Thal?” asked the Aja beside him.
”Yes, I went not to there though, I joined the short term.” Answered the Rongku.

It took only ten minutes of the train to go from Aksara to the Vimancana square, and now they feel the train slowly decelerating into a halt.
“We are now arrived at Vimacana square. Thank you for using Paradva.” Greeted the speaker from the train as it, at last, stopped and soon afterward, the door slode. Lars took eager step forward, on his arm was a log covered with Various sort of ornaments.

It is said that Panaysian was fond of festivals, and it seems to be true. There, after they went out of the underground station they could feel the jolly atmosphere already. The square was chock full with stand. Square ... was not actually a good name as the main field of Kartajaya was actually a circle. It was neatly divided into eight sectors. On the centre, the twin tower of Kartajaya stood high, its top seems to be equipped with laser projectors.

“From north sector going clock wise was the domain of, Panaysia, Anteuma, Rõvãya, Ismath, Norslasiaia, Sapatjesky, Qatlaamaisuut, and Likifara.” Commented the Al-Shad as he read the map.
“Thal, and I Fancy going to the Anteuma domain first.” Said the Aja dragging his partner without acknowledginghis consent.
“My parent should be in the Ismaath domain.” The Al-Shad comented. “Been a time since I saw them. You come along, Yon?” Asked him to the Maris.
“Yo go first, I got something to tell to our young comrade here.”

[Well .. . Lars this is it then, I wish you a good luck then]
[What? Good luck?]
[Buh, do not pretend you do not know, You know ... Arsya and all ...] the Maris give a last wink and left.

“What did he said to you? Lars”
”Oh ... “ Lars flushed again seeing the Vagra, “No ... nothing.”

---

“Here try this, you said you like fish, do you not?”
”Fresh fish, Lars, Fresh fish.”
”Well this Pickled Herrings are freshly importend form Fiskungstat.” Said Lars. “Here have the Wine, it is the finest of the Norslasia.”
”No ... thanks I drink no alcohol.”
”Oh yeah sorry ... I forgot.””
”Nay, its okay.”

After much offering Arsya found several Norsian cuisine that he liked, the sandwich cake, and the smoked fish being one of the example.
“I wonder where the rice is.” Asked Arsya as he munched his, third plate of the sandwich cake.
”Uh no ... we eat with potatoes in Norslasia ... and sometimes with bread too.”
”And what is this brown liquid thingy? I kind of like it.”
”Cofee harvested from Kyrgiá and Surmjólk, a sour milk.”
”I see ...”

The music in the central hall have changed yet again, into the ones Lars familiar with.
“Hey is not this ... that band from Norslasia.”
”Yeah, they are.” After a while Lars realized the familiar song. “It is and old song ...”

---

“Hey Thal ... Look what I won at arrow game.” The Aja Exclaimed holding a transparent bag full with plushies of all kind.
“This one looks just like you.” Continued the Aja shoving a gray horned lizard plushie to his partner.
“You do not steal this do you not?” The Rongku give his usual flat uninterested answer.
”No, oh and I bought a couple of rice cake. And pickled chilies in ... is this a fermented soy bean paste?”
”Yes, thanks.” His answer was more appreciative this time.

---

[Our visitor multiplied significantly since you replace your brother for the cooking section.] Said the old Al-Shad.
[No worries mother, but where is he now?]
[In another stand ... I think ... helping your father]
[Heee! More of this flat bread and curry, Varyo, I enjoy this greatly.] Shouted a little figure from the table in front of the stand.]
[Sure thing Yon!]

---

The familiar Jul song played in the background, it was supposed to be the song of joy, but not at this time.
[I ... I am sorry Lars, I am ... very ...very sorry.]
[Why do not you told me before hand. I thought I could trust you!]
[I just ... do not want you to ... ]

“You okay there Lars?” The Vagra interrupted his wandering mind “You look ... depressed, since that band played.”
“No it just ... “the moment of a year ago flashed in Lars is mind, “never mind.” He stood trying to look cheerful.
“And how long would you have that log with you?”
”Eheh, I read that Norslasia domain promised a bonfire there at the center. “Lars pointed at the stack of wood in the center of the domain. “I figured I may drop a log on there.”
“I see.”

The Norslasia domain went into silent all of sudden.
“Hey ... what is happened?”
“Dear Visitor,” the megaphone around the domain started its announcement. “According to Panaysian Central time, it is now two minute to midnight, we invite you to watch the bonfire will be started soon.”
”About the time they started it. This night grew cold.” The Vagra softly shivered.

Many of the visitor have stand in circle around the heap of log on the center. Arsya noticed that many of them also bring a log with them.
“There got to be a stand that sold this log thingy somewhere.”
“Well ... actually ... yes ... they give the logs for free. For decorated one, the visitor must pay, though.” Lars answered. “But I prefer to have one my self.
“Oh look, the countdown started.”

“Dasa ... Nava” the frontmost of the crowd started to chanting.
“Eh ? What is this?” Asked, The Vagra confused.
“... Asta ... Savta ... Sas”
“Count down, to midnight. They figured to count in Panaysian.”
“I see.”
“... Panca ... Catra ... Tri” Arsya joined the count.
“... Dua ... Esa!”

From nowhere a wheezing sound could be heard. A fire arrow come from one of the tower successfully hit the gasoline covered logs, and it quickly spread. In a mater of seconds the heap of wood ablazed in fire. People cheered. Arsya could smell a sweet scent coming from the bonfire.
“Apparently they also throw some fragrance on the bonfire.” Lars commented.

After a while. One of the visitor took a log and threw it into the bonfire, soon enough several other tried to do the same.
“Come, we should do the same too.” The Vylvr pull his friend out.

They both stand behind the safety fence. Looking to the Fire. Arsya seems to enjoyed the warmth of the fire.
“Should we throw this too? I worked quite hard to decorate this.”
“Well ... we do not need to if you do not want.”
”No it is okay, it is a part of the ritual right?”
”Heh.” The Vylvr chuckled, “Nah, people only throw this nowadays for a nod to the ancient ritual, well are you sure you want to throw this then?”
”Oh well ...”
”Say your wish then.” Lars ordered.
”Wish?”
”Yeah, what would you wish for the next year to come.”
”I see.”

They both stood silent for a while until Lars asked again.
“Ready?” An answer that replied with a nod by the Vagra.
“Up it go!” Shouted Lars. The log landed on the center of the bonfire and quickly consumed.

---

“We have all the fun! After the Anteuma Domain we went to all the remaining seven domain.”
“You had all the fun.” Answered a sour voice. “Thanks to you, I almost got threw into the bonfire in Norslasia domain, mistaken as a thief in Panaysia domain, got chased by a bull in Rõvãya domain, almost got killed in a sword dance in Ismath domain, sprayed with Fotkja in Sapatjesky domain, got threw into the ice pool in Qatlaamaisuut domain, and got my shirt burned in Likifara domain.” The Rongku who sat on the left most chair of the train sulked. The aja just replied with a indefinite smile.

“Well ... Varyo and I ends up helping his mother in the festival, we were invited again tomorrow.”
”To bad that I have a Café to attend.” The Al-Shad answered. “You two, what fun you two had there?”
”Nothing much exactly.”

“Really?” The Maris teased.
“Well ... we met with Thal and Gilar soon after and went to the other domain.”

---

They both already in their bed suit which composed of only a boxer for Arsya, a sight Lars enjoyed every night as he himself clad in pajamas.
“Lars?”
”Ye ... yes?”
”I wonder ... what did you wish when we throw that log into the fire?”
[I wish we were more than a friend]
“What did you say?”
”Well ... uh no ... eh, telling it would nullify the power of the wish granting of the log.”
”I see ... well, I hope you get your wish fulfilled then!” Said the Vagra who then scuttled into his bed, Lars do not answered as he blushed once again.
“Gut Nótt Lars!”
”Sal ... Salta Naksa Arsya!”

Lars gave a last look to his friend. It is five in the morning now. He yawned, pull his cover on, and fall asleep.

I'm not good with people
Visit this user's website Find all posts by this user
Quote this message in a reply
Mon Dec 26, 2005, 06:03 PM
Post: #2
RE: Year End Wish
Just a question.

Do you want me to review this story? I could do it... free of charge.

And, yes. I\'m a word s#ut.

Hollud. Simply, horse.
Visit this user's website Find all posts by this user
Quote this message in a reply
Mon Dec 26, 2005, 06:09 PM
Post: #3
RE: RE: Year End Wish
Hollud Wrote:Just a question.

Do you want me to review this story? I could do it... free of charge.

And, yes. I\'m a word s#ut.

Why not? I like critics.

I'm not good with people
Visit this user's website Find all posts by this user
Quote this message in a reply
Tue Dec 27, 2005, 10:35 AM
Post: #4
RE: RE: RE: Year End Wish
Pyurio Wrote:Why not? I like critics.

Alrighty. Here we go!

***

When I first read your story, it intrigued me to see such a story-line. I couldn\'t recognise it\'s origins nor could I see any similarities to whatever I have read in the past. However, as I read on, I realised the concept was quite the same as others out there. The only thing that made it so different was the large amount of terminology that was being used. And unfortunately, that\'s the Achilles Heel of this story... the weakest point.

There are so many terms used that the meaning of the story does not come across to me, as a reader and a reviewer. There are no species descriptions (be it human, anthro or alien) and that adds to the difficult nature of trying to interpret this story. There are a lot of new terms here that are familiar to you but probably not to anyone else out there.

And without clear indication of who is who and what is what, spoken dialogue becomes difficult to understand. There are terms in there, which I realise is being referred to as a festival or an object only after re-reading it a couple of times. And another flaw of writers is to get too carried away with dialogue until it all but dominates the story. In your case, it\'s not as severe, but there is a significant chunk of text dedicated to dialogue without descriptions of character environments, emotions and feelings.

On a final note, the extended use of vocabulary was well welcomed. Unfortunately, the grammar could have been a little more tidied up. I\'m not going to touch on spelling because I\'m well aware that this story is alien in nature and that some aspects of it have a completely different spelling to what I am familiar to.

In the end, this story has much potential. But right now, it\'s like being on a see-saw. There is so much speech going on between characters but so little descriptions to balance it out.

On a funny note, I recognised a uniquely Indonesian moment inside the story. When I went to Jakarta on holiday quite a few years ago, my last day was spent at a local supermarket (or was it a hypermarket?). Similar to the shopping scene in the story, I had to deposit my bag at this security counter before I could actually go in with my mum. Quite interesting, really.

And that was probably the only trip when I took a picture of a younger me beside a feral leopard/puma/big cat at this drive-in nature wildlife reserve. Rawr!

End.

Hollud. Simply, horse.
Visit this user's website Find all posts by this user
Quote this message in a reply
Tue Dec 27, 2005, 03:04 PM
Post: #5
Year End Wish
Thank you, after rereading it again with fresh head, you stood right, too many backgroundless dialogue X_X. I will persevere in the usage of alien term though, but it shall come with more fleshed explanation to the reader.

As for the grammar part, I have vowed to not use aposthropes in my writing (silly, I know) but I do acknowledge my weakness (read: absentmindedness) on english grammar, (most especially tense)

Maybe I should go back and tells story with sequential images rather than using word. :9

I'm not good with people
Visit this user's website Find all posts by this user
Quote this message in a reply
Tue Dec 27, 2005, 10:33 PM
Post: #6
RE: Year End Wish
As you said, the best way to write a story is in a sequential manner. You already have a story-line in place, starting from one location and working to the end. All that is needed to be done here is just to tidy up the descriptions and dialogues.

Keep the skeleton but tone up the musculature (of the story).

Hollud. Simply, horse.
Visit this user's website Find all posts by this user
Quote this message in a reply
Wed Jan 04, 2006, 09:20 AM
Post: #7
RE: Year End Wish
>> Depending on the audience, a story may not really need to be very clear about the plot, nor reveal an obvious purpose of anything that\'s written. In many cases, unusual storytelling techniques have been misinterpreted as being flaws. (For example, the slow scenes where nothing seems to be happening in Japanese films and animations were initially baffling to foreigners, who were not clued in to their near-traditional use of implied visual meanings.)

>> Which brings me to \"slice of life\" stories with a lot of chatter. Despite how some readers consider dialogue-heavy tales to be unrefined (or at worst, lazy) a writer doesn\'t always have to \"show, not tell\". I understand you have interest in linguistics, and the mechanics of spoken and written language, and it shows through both your art and writing. Knowing this, you could do very well in not only characterisation, but also fleshing out the world, through dialouge. The priority is on the tale, and not the tools a writer uses to tell it.

>> Though, if anything, this one even reminds me of a theatrical play. If you feel you might do better in sequential art, there\'s always the option of writing scripts for graphic stories. This combines a visual-theatrical sense, with a skill in dialouge and story tempo. You could allow the artist (or yourself?) to accentuate the speech with visual cues.

(I\'ve attempted script-writing, and am in the process of choosing a few to Hollywood-style pitch to artists.)

>> Grammar and other syntax-related issues can be improved over time, or if you like, you can ask some peeps here for some proofing/editing jobs. (Personally, I could deal with basic grammar and giving suggestions.)

>> In this age when nothing is left to the imagination, and every bit of information is spoon-fed into our heads... there is not enough mystery in the art. While it\'s perfectly alright for stories to be passive entertainment (making it on par with television, sometimes) your tales can (already?) stand out if you make your readers sit up and involve themselves. Challenge your audience to decode your text.

I appreciated the fact that you don\'t explain what every term meant, and could find myself doing more than just playing a reel across my mind\'s eye.

>> In any case, wish you well on future endeavours, and keep up the fine work.


' Wrote:On a funny note, I recognised a uniquely Indonesian moment inside the story ... Similar to the shopping scene in the story, I had to deposit my bag at this security counter before I could actually go in with my mum.
>> Mind you, Hollud, we do have a good number of shops in Malaysia (or at least Johor) that make you check in your bags, also. LOL!


[ Proceed calmly. ]
DevianTART
FurAffiTiny
Fumblr
Twerter
Visit this user's website Find all posts by this user
Quote this message in a reply
Fri Jan 06, 2006, 08:25 PM
Post: #8
RE: Year End Wish
Finally managed to read finish the story (Yes, I\'m an incredibly slow reader). I agree on both sides about this story.

There is a lot of undefined terms and names but as Night suggested, its the artistic form of the story. But I find there is insufficient help for the reader to progress smoothly in the story. I find my self backtracking several times to check if the word I\'m looking at is a character name or species... or maybe its my horrible memory Tongue

You\'re certainly skilled in creating and describing atmospheres and alien cutures. The teasers to the characters\' history and personal lives too worked well.

Like Hollud suggested, it wouldn\'t hurt to go through story a couple of times to refine and improve it. Great story nonetheless. *thumbs up*
Visit this user's website Find all posts by this user
Quote this message in a reply
Fri Jan 06, 2006, 09:29 PM
Post: #9
RE: Year End Wish
I read Norse, Norseland, Indonesia, Yuletide, Indonesian and Cernunos, pagan rituals, and gay couple. Tongue

[Image: insouciant3.jpg]
Visit this user's website Find all posts by this user
Quote this message in a reply
Post Reply 


Possibly Related Threads...
Thread: Author Replies: Views: Last Post
  New Year's Story: An Evening In Xibalba nightPhaser 5 8,570 Wed Jan 03, 2007 04:17 AM
Last Post: gingertom84
  New Year\'s Midnight (In The Club) nightPhaser 8 11,608 Thu Jan 05, 2006 05:22 PM
Last Post: Kai Whitewolf

Forum Jump:


User(s) browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)

 Quick Theme: