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The small coffee shop was full to bursting with the snowy Denver wind blowing its hardest outside the warm interior. I added some cream and a generous spoonful of sugar to a steaming mug, then checked my list and brought it to table 7, where a tired-looking shiba inu anthro and her four pups squabbled.
"Here you are, ma'am," I said with a smile. She looked relieved.
"Thank you so much. I'll leave your tip right here, is that alright?" she asked.
"Yes, thank you." I replied. "Have a nice day!"
As soon as the bell on the door jangled to signify another satisfied customer had left, I glanced at the clock on the wall. It was 2:00 P.M., the end of my shift. Finally, I thought, and sighed in relief. I slipped off my apron, hung it on its peg in the kitchen, and stepped outside the door.

~ ~ ~

that's all I've got so far! I'm new to AA as well, joined today, so please don't be too hard on me ^^;
Enjoy & please comment! Tongue
Hello? ...Anybody here? Anyone read this? Please tell me what you think Frown
Thanks for the positive feedback! Big smile
And about the time zone thing, the time over here where I am is totally different from forum time (where I am, it's only 9:12 at night) so the times I post might be a bit radical XD
The bright sunlight warmed my face as I leaned against the wall of the building. All of a sudden, my pocket vibrated, and I pulled out my iPhone. New text message from Nyx, the screen told me. I grinned and unlocked my phone, quickly scanning the words. Almost there-- we stopped by and picked up your present, too. I tapped Reply, and my claws flew across the keyboard.
Sounds good. You sure Jase'll keep her 'til we're ready? I waited a few moments, and soon Nyx had texted back.
Positive. That's what boyfriends are for, right? ^_^
Today was one of my best friends Juliet's birthday, and my other friends and I were planning a surprise party for her. Her boyfriend, Jase, was in on it, too; he'd promised to keep her as long as we needed.
"After all," he'd said with a smirk, "I don't think she'd have any problem with that!"
They'd gone to hang out at Jase's, while Nyx, Ace, and I were going to set up a party at Juliet's house. There wouldn't be a whole lot of people, but we knew that Juli would like it.
In terms of technical writing abilities, I can see no fault. In terms of story structure and plot layout, it does need a bit of work.

One of the many common issues with story structure is the tendency to write from a step-by-step perspective. Let's use this paragraph here:


(Sat Nov 12, 2011 10:13 AM)AmsilDonnovan Wrote: [ -> ] The bright sunlight warmed my face as I leaned against the wall of the building. All of a sudden, my pocket vibrated, and I pulled out my iPhone. New text message from Nyx, the screen told me. I grinned and unlocked my phone, quickly scanning the words. Almost there-- we stopped by and picked up your present, too. I tapped Reply, and my claws flew across the keyboard.



Flesh out paragraphs with descriptions of emotions, feelings and memories, rather than narrating actions. When questions start popping up in my head, that's when you know it is a narration. For example, why are you outside? Are you waiting for something or someone? Who is Nyx? Why are you grinning? Is Nyx someone special? Stories written in a first-person perspective should reflect how that person, whom the reader is trying to associate with, is feeling. If I were to rewrite that first paragraph, it would go something like this:



Quote:
I buried my hands deep into my jacket, thankful that the sun was still radiant enough to warm the fur on my exposed muzzle. Most times I would have opted to wait inside for Nyx, but the coffee shop was packed with patrons hungering for a hot cup of joe and I didn't want to get in the way of the other baristas. It was then when I felt my phone go off, vibrating against my semi-frozen paws. I knew it was probably a text from Nyx explaining why he was late and how long more it going to take him to reach the coffee shop, but when you're in a rush and waiting in the cold, you tend to become a bit more grouchy.

Almost there. We stopped by and picked up the present too.

"Thank goodness he remembered," I muttered as I hammered back a reply.

Sounds good. You sure Jase will keep Jules busy 'til we're ready?

Positive. That's what boyfriends are for, right? ^_^

I laughed, my breath huffing out in a cloud of vapour as I shoved both my phone and my frozen paws back into my jacket. If anyone could cheer me up, it was Nyx. Then again, we had been friends since the dawn of time.



From this passage, we can establish a few things. One, the reason why the character was waiting outside. Make it a good reason, like the cold snap of winter sweeping through the town. Wouldn't you seek the comfort of a warm coffee nestled between your paws? Two, who Nyx was and how he played a role in the character's life. Three, snippets of what is the story might play out to be. There's a mention of a present, so perhaps a party? Why is Jase (the boyfriend) keeping Jules busy? Is it a party for Jules? By dropping subtle hints of what is to come, it makes the reader excited to read on. Is something going to happen? Is Jase suddenly going to drop to a knee and ask for Jules' paw in marriage? Is some big announcement going to happen at the party? That is the challenge for you; to keep us intrigued and wanting to read on.

Draw out the scene and provides details to attract the reader to form an interest in this particular individual. Make the necessary connections between past, present and future and elaborate on them. The act of writing is slow and deliberate, an art of drawing the reader deeper and deeper into the story, be it a quickie or a full-length novel.
Snickers says:

The story, for me, seems to be about the normal, daily life of a regular, hard-working employee who let others know that he/she is happy to serve good service to others in simple, but great acts.
Overall, I think it's great enough to bring a smile to someone's day :3
Probably just keep practicing and you'll get better? XD
I'm not really much of a story writer anyway, can't criticize in my position and pin-point what you need to improve on (unlike horsey :c)... sooo, what do I know? :3

But, I really think it's a great start... can't wait to read more what you have to post..!
(Sat Nov 12, 2011 01:34 PM)Hollud Wrote: [ -> ]In terms of technical writing abilities, I can see no fault. In terms of story structure and plot layout, it does need a bit of work.

One of the many common issues with story structure is the tendency to write from a step-by-step perspective. Let's use this paragraph here:


(Sat Nov 12, 2011 10:13 AM)AmsilDonnovan Wrote: [ -> ] The bright sunlight warmed my face as I leaned against the wall of the building. All of a sudden, my pocket vibrated, and I pulled out my iPhone. New text message from Nyx, the screen told me. I grinned and unlocked my phone, quickly scanning the words. Almost there-- we stopped by and picked up your present, too. I tapped Reply, and my claws flew across the keyboard.



Flesh out paragraphs with descriptions of emotions, feelings and memories, rather than narrating actions. When questions start popping up in my head, that's when you know it is a narration. For example, why are you outside? Are you waiting for something or someone? Who is Nyx? Why are you grinning? Is Nyx someone special? Stories written in a first-person perspective should reflect how that person, whom the reader is trying to associate with, is feeling. If I were to rewrite that first paragraph, it would go something like this:



Quote:
I buried my hands deep into my jacket, thankful that the sun was still radiant enough to warm the fur on my exposed muzzle. Most times I would have opted to wait inside for Nyx, but the coffee shop was packed with patrons hungering for a hot cup of joe and I didn't want to get in the way of the other baristas. It was then when I felt my phone go off, vibrating against my semi-frozen paws. I knew it was probably a text from Nyx explaining why he was late and how long more it going to take him to reach the coffee shop, but when you're in a rush and waiting in the cold, you tend to become a bit more grouchy.

Almost there. We stopped by and picked up the present too.

"Thank goodness he remembered," I muttered as I hammered back a reply.

Sounds good. You sure Jase will keep Jules busy 'til we're ready?

Positive. That's what boyfriends are for, right? ^_^

I laughed, my breath huffing out in a cloud of vapour as I shoved both my phone and my frozen paws back into my jacket. If anyone could cheer me up, it was Nyx. Then again, we had been friends since the dawn of time.



From this passage, we can establish a few things. One, the reason why the character was waiting outside. Make it a good reason, like the cold snap of winter sweeping through the town. Wouldn't you seek the comfort of a warm coffee nestled between your paws? Two, who Nyx was and how he played a role in the character's life. Three, snippets of what is the story might play out to be. There's a mention of a present, so perhaps a party? Why is Jase (the boyfriend) keeping Jules busy? Is it a party for Jules? By dropping subtle hints of what is to come, it makes the reader excited to read on. Is something going to happen? Is Jase suddenly going to drop to a knee and ask for Jules' paw in marriage? Is some big announcement going to happen at the party? That is the challenge for you; to keep us intrigued and wanting to read on.

Draw out the scene and provides details to attract the reader to form an interest in this particular individual. Make the necessary connections between past, present and future and elaborate on them. The act of writing is slow and deliberate, an art of drawing the reader deeper and deeper into the story, be it a quickie or a full-length novel.

Wow, thanks for all the help! That paragraph sounds so much better now X3 would you mind if used it instead? Smile
(Sat Nov 12, 2011 06:37 PM)_snickers_ Wrote: [ -> ]Snickers says:

The story, for me, seems to be about the normal, daily life of a regular, hard-working employee who let others know that he/she is happy to serve good service to others in simple, but great acts.
Overall, I think it's great enough to bring a smile to someone's day :3
Probably just keep practicing and you'll get better? XD
I'm not really much of a story writer anyway, can't criticize in my position and pin-point what you need to improve on (unlike horsey :c)... sooo, what do I know? :3

But, I really think it's a great start... can't wait to read more what you have to post..!

Thank you! (: Yeah, it'll get better for sure later!!
Today was one of my other best friends' Juliet's 17th birthday, and my friends and I were planning a surprise party for her. Her boyfriend, Jase, was in on it, too; he'd promised to keep her as long as we needed.
"After all," he'd said with a smirk, "I don't think she'll mind."
They'd gone to hang out at Jase's, while Nyx, Ace, and I were going to set up a party at Juliet's house. There wouldn't be a whole lot of people, but we knew Juli would like it.
(Sat Nov 12, 2011 10:38 PM)AmsilDonnovan Wrote: [ -> ]Today was one of my other best friends' Juliet's 17th birthday, and my friends and I were planning a surprise party for her. Her boyfriend, Jase, was in on it, too; he'd promised to keep her as long as we needed.


I would like to see a bit more detail in this paragraph. You can draw it out by adding a little bit more about what is going to happen at the party. Try to make it like as though you were talking to yourself, where the readers are reading the thoughts in the character's head.


(Sat Nov 12, 2011 10:38 PM)AmsilDonnovan Wrote: [ -> ]
"After all," he'd said with a smirk, "I don't think she'll mind."


Add a bit more dialogue and interaction between this character and your character. One tip would be to try and use dialogue that you might actually speak with your friends. The general rule of thumb is that if it doesn't sound right when you speak it out loud, it probably doesn't sound right on (digital or the traditional) paper.


(Sat Nov 12, 2011 10:38 PM)AmsilDonnovan Wrote: [ -> ]They'd gone to hang out at Jase's, while Nyx, Ace, and I were going to set up a party at Juliet's house. There wouldn't be a whole lot of people, but we knew Juli would like it.


Note that if you are going to use "Juli" as a short form for "Juliet", try to use it consistently throughout the rest of the story. You don't have to use it all the time, just every now and then in casual conversation or thought.
Okay, thanks for the help! I really appreciate it Smile
I think you could provide more options in the poll above there, as I would rate this as "kinda short and would need some work, but impressive for a new writer" Winking
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